not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
