i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
