Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
