Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
