If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
