I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
