i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
