buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
