So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
In other news, I just burned my penis
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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