I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
