all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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