i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
