Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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