i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
