my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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