My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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