Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
