I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
