Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
