I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
