nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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