I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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