You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
