I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
