Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Found the puke drawer
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
