i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
