What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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