Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
