you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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