Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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