His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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