Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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