I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
