seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
