i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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