omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
