if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
