Only a mothe r could love this liver
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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