opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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