"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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