Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
