How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
