i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize