Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
