My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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