why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
