Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I stole a fireplace last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
