I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
