Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My breasts were aching with rage.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize