i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
it was like eating out sand paper
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
