She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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