She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
