So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
