I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
