I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize