you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
