my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize