The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
