Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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