Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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