dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
