Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
