did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
