jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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