New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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