Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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